Monthly Archives: February 2023

How We End

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I want to introduce you to my brother.

Some of you knew him already, but you didn’t know him the way I did – and that’s how it is with anyone, really. We know one another imperfectly, incompletely, and every one of us has only a partial picture of another human being, no matter how much or how little time you have spent with them. When we put them all together, we have a picture of a life. Even that is blurry and fragmented, but we must come together to share those memories to have even part of the whole.

This photo is of Don and me, back when I visited him between semesters my junior year of college. This is when we became friends.

You see, I grew up the baby sister. Don was 6-1/2 years older than I was, so at the outset, we lived in different worlds. And honestly, I’m sure through most of my childhood he thought I was put on this earth to torment him, which is the implied job of any younger sibling. We started out as antagonists, and that was probably mostly my fault.

When I was barely old enough to walk, I snuck into his closet and pooped in one of his shoes.

When I was about 7 or 8, I don’t really recall, he had been harassing me about one thing or another – as siblings do – and I threatened him that if he didn’t stop, I’d take off my nightgown and beat him with it. To this day Mom still tells the story and laughs at the sight of me chasing him through the house, and my very embarrassed brother yelling “MOM! SHE’S NEKKID!”

I was a bit older, maybe 10 or 11, on a bright Saturday morning, when he was holed up under the covers in his basement bedroom trying to sleep in, and I burst into his room waving a banana around over my head and loudly singing a silly tune I’d made up (“HAVE A BANANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”).

This past Wednesday, as I sat next to his hospital bed holding his hand, I told him he was lucky. If I was 10 years old again I’d be taking unflattering photos of him and posting them on Facebook. He laughed. That was a good laugh, and I’ll miss it.

When I was 12, and he was 18 and just starting college, Dad’s job transferred him from Phoenix to Northern California, and he chose to remain behind and go to school in Arizona. I saw him again for his wedding to his first wife, and not a whole lot after that, until that mid-year break when I spent a couple of weeks with him and his wife, and we really got a chance to talk as the people we became as adults.

And I really liked him. I discovered that, mostly without having lived in the same house or spending any time together over the intervening 8 years, we had a lot in common. We’d read a lot of the same books, and enjoyed a lot of the same things, and could hold deep conversations about religion and politics without wanting to throttle each other because there was a respect for one another’s thoughtful decisions and how we could express them. We kind of laughed alike, and we both had developed the habit of pacing in between the refrigerator and the pantry while trying to decide what to have for dinner.

I respected him a lot. His musical talent was… shoot, through the roof. I remember one Sunday, Jason and I were leading worship and we wanted to sing “Oh the Blood of Jesus”, spur of the moment, but hadn’t brought the music with us. So I called him, and asked him if he could tell me the chords. He asked what key we wanted to sing it in. I told him, and then he proceeded to transpose it IN HIS HEAD, on the fly, WHILE DRIVING.

He was smart. Like, scary smart. And he had a way with words – I like to think we were a little alike in that way.

I moved in with him after college graduation for about 6 months while I found a job and saved up enough money for first and last months’ rent… and I was part of the wedding party for his second wedding. I got to babysit his kids when they were small. We spent a lot of time together those first few years after I moved back to Arizona. They were good years. Then he and his family moved to Southern Illinois for a bit, and my life got more interesting because I met my husband.

When they moved back, his life hit a rocky patch. He lived with me and Jason for about 6 months while his family fell apart, and his ex-wife and kids moved away. Without her to insist on our getting together for every holiday and special occasion, we drifted into our own separate circles.

One thing about us, though. We always knew we had each others’ back. Neither of us was the type of person who felt the need to reach out and talk for no particular reason (heck, after working in inbound customer service for a few years, I developed an absolute aversion to talking on the phone unless absolutely necessary)… but we both knew we could reach out if either of us needed something. And when we did, we’d end up talking for hours. And hours.

I haven’t really been a part of his world for a few years, especially after his first stroke 4 years ago. There are others who have known him better recently. But I loved him, and I wanted to make sure he knew that.

This past Monday, he went to the emergency room after a second stroke. After I got off work, I went to see him in the hospital, and he told me some things. He told me he’d kind of suspected this was going to happen, and he really didn’t want to go through it again. The first stroke had taken his left side, and his music, and his job away from him. It had taken away what made him *him*, and he hadn’t been happy about it but he could deal with it. He could tolerate it. The second took his right side, and he was rapidly losing his ability to communicate clearly, and he told me he didn’t want to be that guy, trapped inside his own body, being pushed around in a chair with someone else forced to feed him and change him. He saw the end coming as clear as anything. When he left his house that morning, he felt in his bones he wasn’t ever going home again.

He said his only regret was that when he left this world, people would be sad.

So Tuesday evening, I spent a couple of hours with him in the ICU, and I held my phone to his head so Mom could talk to him for the last time. The doctor told her that she wouldn’t even have time to fly back here to be with him, so I was happy to do this for her. I held his hand. I told him I wished that we’d spent more time together lately. He was struggling to speak, but he told me “I wish I could talk.” And then I said “Hey, it’s probably better this way, because if you could we’d be up chatting until 2 AM because neither of us would shut up.” Sarcasm and slightly inappropriate humor… it was our way. I told him I’d be back on Wednesday to hang out, keep him company, and annoy him because that’s what I’m here for.

The doctor had underestimated his stubbornness, apparently, because Don held on for another 3 days. Mom and I talked about whether she should come. I told her it would be so much harder on her if she did – the expense and hassle of trying to secure last minute travel arrangements, camping out here and needing to be chauffeured around in the big city, and then there was the agony of watching him decline. Holding his hand. Giving him water when he asked for it. Calling for the nurse when he looked uncomfortable. Sitting vigil, always praying, always watching. I bore that for her, because it was the one thing I could do.

Every night when I left, I prayed over him, and recited the Aaronic blessing: “The Lord bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.” Every night he would tear up and his face would crinkle and I would place my hand on his forehead and say “I’ll be back tomorrow, BB. I love you.”

This morning I was getting dressed to head to the hospital when I got the call that he had passed away a couple of hours earlier.

It seems to me it doesn’t so much matter how we begin, or how many mistakes we make along the way. What we are left with – what others are left with – is how we end.

I am grateful that we ended well.

In Memoriam – Donald Anthony Smith, 31 December 1964 – 11 February 2023

January 2023 Recap: Books and Whatnot (but NOT New Year’s Resolutions!)

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Well hello there, human beings and random internet trolling bots! Welcome to 2023, and the start of a new challenge!

It’s been a decent start to the year reading-wise, with 5 books finished and a 6th nearly done… That said, I’ve got nothing on Linz, who started her 2023 with a solid 10 books (see her roundup post here if you’re curious).

My first book completed in January was Have We Met? by Camille Baker, which I had originally picked up intending to read it for 2022’s challenge (#55, Read a book that has a title in the form of a question). Which of course made it a great choice for this year’s prompt #6, Read a book you meant to read for last year’s challenge. This is a contemporary romance with a heavy dash of magical realism that… honestly didn’t do much for me.

There was also a significant effort to be inclusive that at times felt almost like the author was trying a little too hard to involve diversity. The story was a bit predictable, but I did like the focus put on the main character’s family and friendships, and trying to find a new career and start over in a new place after losing her best friend. [3 stars]

My next read was The Courts of Chaos by Roger Zelazny, book #5 in The Chronicles of Amber, which feels equal parts sci-fi and fantasy. This series so far has been made up of short books that tell a small chunk of what is clearly a longer story, and while this portion of the story has been wrapped up, it’s clearly setting up for the next story arc, so it feels somewhat incomplete. This volume was 189 pages, so it was a quick read, and made a great choice for prompt #2, Read a book under 300 pages. I am enjoying the series so far, but I am so used to 500 to 1000 page epic fantasy tomes that this feels a little too short to really dig in to. [3.75 stars]

The third January read was The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery, which I downloaded from Project Gutenberg specifically for prompt #8. Read a book you got from Project Gutenberg, a library, or another nonprofit source. I really enjoyed this sweet, funny romance set in early 1900’s Canada. The main character is a desperately unhappy woman, consigned to being an unattractive old maid at the age of 29, overlooked and taken for granted by her upper crust family… and then a letter changes her life in the most unexpected way. [4 stars]

Up next, I read The Lost Metal by Brandon Sanderson – the 4th book in his Mistborn Era 2 series and 7th in his overall Mistborn series… I read the previous entry in 2018, which meant this perfectly fit prompt #11, Read the next book in a series you haven’t read in a while. This novel wraps up the steampunk era of the Mistborn saga, setting up for Sanderson’s next time jump intended to show the planet of Scadrial and its magic system and technology around the equivalent of our world’s 1980’s.

I have to admit I’m a touch more excited about seeing what things look like in the next era than I was about this one, but it was definitely a good story, and made several call backs to the first book in Era 2 that made me want to go back and re-read with the knowledge of what was going on behind the scenes. This one was heavy on lore and connections to Sanderson’s broader Cosmere, and wrapping up some character arcs in a way that felt emotional and a bit cathartic. [4.25 stars]

Book #5 for January was Seven Blades in Black by Sam Sykes – neatly fulfilling challenge prompt #4, Read a book by an author whose name is Samantha, Sam, or a variant. I met Sam at Phoenix ComiCon in 2014, and had the privilege of hearing him on several fantasy literature panels that weekend. Aside from being the son of a talented author, Sam himself was one of the most entertaining human beings I’ve had the opportunity to witness, and he writes pretty much like he talks, which made this novel very fun to read.

As I’ve mentioned many times, I am a sucker for non-linear storytelling, and this one is a series of flashbacks (and at times flashbacks within flashbacks) as a notorious outlaw tells her story to an officer of the law for the Revolutionary government. None of the characters is particularly likeable (and this one would have worked well for prompt #50, as well as #5 since he’s an Arizona native) but the main character’s backstory is heartbreaking and her narrative voice is at times hilarious. There were some unexpected revelations, and I’m definitely keen to pick up the other two books in this trilogy soon. [4.5 stars]

Aside from reading, my month of January has been interesting. My church is in the middle of a 40-day fast, so I’ve been eating healthier and haven’t been watching TV. I’ve even managed to go without coffee for the past 2 weeks, which, if you know me at all, you know is a miracle. The first 3 weeks I cut out sweets, snacks, fast food, dairy, red meat, and added more veggies in. I haven’t had cheese since January 1st and that is highly unusual for me. Then for the last part of the fast, I’m doing the Daniel Fast, which… y’all. I learned how to prepare tofu. Go me. I’ve gotten in a good routine with green smoothies, and my freezer is stocked with more frozen vegetables than I purchased all of last year.

All the not watching TV (or YouTube, or Patreon) has made time for accomplishing things around the house – the highlights this month were putting together a new little computer desk to get my personal desktop off my dining room table, and decluttering and organizing 30 years of accumulated jewelry. For all that, though, I still haven’t managed to finish setting my goals for the year. We’ll get there eventually!

Random photos from the month, including the 3 manicures I did, below:

So here we are again at the point where I beg you to keep me company in the comments! What have you been reading this month? (Or if you’re like Linz and have read far too many books to list, what was your favorite?) Did you set any New Year’s resolutions or goals that you’re excited about? Do you like tofu? What’s your favorite smoothie recipe? The State of the Challenge report is down below, as always!

The Linzthebookworm/Logophile 2023 Reading Challenge

Level 1: Book of the Month Club [5/12 complete]
1. Read a book recommended to you on social media or by a friend
2. Read a book under 300 pages – The Courts of Chaos – Roger Zelazny
3. Read a book with a female main character
4. Read a book by an author whose name is Samantha, Sam, or a variant – Seven Blades in Black – Sam Sykes
5. Read a book that was written by an author from your home state
6. Read a book you meant to read for last year’s challenge – Have We Met? – Camille Baker
7. Read a book with a basic shape on the cover (examples: circle, square, heart, star, diamond)
8. Read a book you got from Project Gutenberg, a library, or another nonprofit source – The Blue Castle – L.M. Montgomery
9. Read a book about a hobby you enjoy or want to pick up (fiction or nonfiction)
10. Read a book that starts with the first letter of your name
11. Read the next book in a series you haven’t read in a while – The Lost Metal – Brandon Sanderson
12. Free Space – Pick any book!

Level 2: Casual Reader Club [0/12 complete]
13. Read a book by Mary Faulkner (or one of her aliases)
14. Read a book of short stories or a novella
15. Read a book that involves a lot of traveling
16. Read a book published in 1998 (25 years ago)
17. Read a book with a yellow cover
18. Reread a book you have recommended to someone else
19. Read a book by Dean Koontz
20. Read a book with a one-word title
21. Read book 1 in a trilogy
22. Read book 2 in a trilogy
23. Read book 3 in a trilogy
24. Free Space – Pick any book!

Level 3: Dedicated Reader Club [0/12 complete]
25. Read a book that takes place somewhere you’d like to live
26. Read a book recommended by whatshouldireadnext.com
27. Read a book by an author who shares a first or last name with one of your friends
28. Read a book with a neon-colored cover
29. Read a book that has under 1,000 reviews or ratings on a website or app
30. Read a middle grade book (8-12 age range)
31. Read a book with the word “Time” in the title
32. Read a book about a famous criminal(s)
33. Read a movie novelization book (movie to book, instead of book to movie)
34. Read a fiction or nonfiction book that motivates you to be a better version of yourself – Savor: Living Abundantly Where You Are, As You Are – Shauna Niequist
35.Read a self-published book
36. Free Space – Pick any book!

Level 4: Speed Reader Club [0/12 complete]
37. Read a book that is over 600 pages
38. Read a book from ListChallenge’s Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge
39. A book by an author named David/Dave
40. Read a “Dark Academia” novel
41. Read a book with a title that starts with the letter V
42. A book set in Asia or an Asian-inspired culture
43. Read a book with a cat on the cover
44. Read a folklore book or book based on folklore
45. Read a book where the main character is a dancer
46. Read a book by a new author
47. Read a book that involves a conspiracy
48. Free Space – Pick any book!

Level 5: Overachiever Club [0/12 complete]
49. Read one of the New York Public Library’s Best Books of 2022 (any category)
50. Read a book where the main character is a villain or anti-hero
51. Read a book that has a title that is punny and/or alliterative
52. Read a “found family” story
53. Read a book that has a letter Q in the title
54. Read a book that has an illustrated cover – Naomi and Her Daughters – Walter Wangerin, Jr.
55. Read a book that takes place in at least two different decades
56. Read a book about an entrepreneur (real or fictional)
57. Read a book that takes place in Alaska
58. Read a book with the word “Justice” in the title
59. Read a book involving dinosaurs
60. Free Space – Pick any book!